Death by Daytime

Being off sick is bad enough, but watching daytime TV won’t make you feel better

Vets in itchy tweed. Doctors in white coats
Cousins in tracksuits at each other’s throats
Diamond geezers wave a double-barrelled
History hour. One in the eye for Harold
Blokes from Accounts are laying gravel paths
A former weatherman flogs walk-in baths
Comics in golf gear telling cracker jokes
Three-bed terraces for auction in Stoke
Washed-up bands reunite to do covers
‘Uncle’ tells audience he’s your brother
Cops in visor helmets putting in doors
Housewives mopping S’s in sparkling floors
Shouty DJs trekking charity miles
Freckle-faced kids with glinting gleaming smiles
Posh pricks rowing oceans in a bathtub
Perfect wives with perfect lives who don’t scrub
Bundles of cheap data to stalk your ex
Car park doggers talk multi-storey sex
A tattoo parlour with leftfield designs
Bailiffs in boots collecting unpaid fines
Baking Victoria sponge, tasting hock
Gameshows at teatime with a ticking clock
You could turn it off but they’d only frown
Mind’s playing tricks, no such thing as Closedown

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